For as long as I can remember, I've had a love-hate relationship with food. I love to eat good food, indulge in the gifts of my husband's amazing kitchen skills, but unfortunately, my digestive system does not share my love for such pleasures. I was the kid at sleepovers dying of heartburn after a slice of pizza or sick to my stomach after a cupcake. My system has just never quite worked right. Ironically, the only time I've ever been free of gut pain is during pregnancy. I could (and did) eat anything because I had never had such epicurean freedom. Post-partum is an entirely different story, of which this story begins. After having each of my children, I was put on a very strict no dairy, no soy, no gluten diet because my system was on overload trying to feed the babies and keep myself functioning. It was agonizingly hard, but at that time, Devin worked at Whole Foods and our access to a variety of elimination friendly food was endless. Fast forward ten years and I found myself at the doctors too much for intestinal issues. I've been tested for every kind of food allergy and nothing comes up; however, I am extremely sensitive to gluten, dairy, and cabbages. My doctor sat me down and suggested not another elimination diet, but rather a lifestyle switch, beginning with a full month body cleanse. No added sugar, no added salt, no grains, no alcohol, and no dairy. Now, let me tell you, I went into this with reservations because giving up dairy is not an easy thing. My husband, after all, is a cheese man. Cheese pays our mortgage, puts food on the table, and is one of our favorite foods. And the alcohol. I am not dependent on it, by any means, I rarely have more than a glass, but it is part of our nightly meals, just like bread might be for other families. But, I knew in my heart (and stomach), I had to do this.
One major reason I had to was the relation to my mood and food. Gluten makes me grumpy. I know it sounds weird, but it effects my mental well-being and right now, the grief is enough to juggle on it's own, never mind any other mood altering triggers. There is a ton of research done on this, as I was a bit skeptical when I was talking to my doctor about depression rearing it's persistent head a bit more than I'm comfortable with, and I can honestly say, not eating gluten, dairy, and/or processed foods has nearly diminished this problem. Now, I'm not going to lie, this is tough sh**. The first two days of this cleanse, my body went into major sugar withdraws. I mean major. Aching headaches, sick stomach, and voracious cravings. Although my body wanted just a nibble of Halloween candy, my will was--surprisingly--resolute. We (because my husband is amazingly supportive and doing this with me) are two weeks in and I feel like a million bucks. Seriously. I've cheated a few times, a glass of wine with friends one night, Thai food (all gluten free!) with family another night, but I'm okay with it because my body isn't working on overdrive to survive. Yes, the box of cheeze-its call my name sometimes, always whispers at night when I'm convincing myself the almond butter, banana, and coconut mash up is a divine dessert, but all in all, I've never felt better. It's not about losing weight for me, I've accepted that my body has changed from the svelt 125 lb 25 year old, and I'm good in my skin right now. I'm finding as I get older, I ignore the numbers on the scale, but gage how I feel as a whole person. When I'm overly sad, I eat badly; it's a hard process but I'm channelling that desire to transform into sitting in the sad, rather than distract it with crap food. Sometimes that means with a book, other times it is on my yoga mat. I've spent a lot of time taking care of others and I'm now focused more on taking care of me. It's a hard thing, as it really is not a supported notion for us women, but I'm demanding better for myself, starting with my grocery cart.
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