Cocoon of Chaos

Dusting off the Blog Cobwebs...some words, some pictures

Man, oh man, it's been a while since I've been in this blog space of mine. Life has been...busy ...full. Very full, of both good and bad, but that is life, right! There are days that are filled with joy and those filled with frustration. So, here's a list of life lately:

1. Rather than write here, in my space, I participated in a 30 day Poetry Challenge of writing 30 poems in thirty days. Poetry is normally not my thing, but I enjoyed the challenge and I do love a deadline. It was good for me to sit my fanny down and force myself to write every single day.

2. We went on vacation and had a blast in Hyde Park, New York. It was like history porn for me, I just loved it. There are so many pictures to share, I haven't even started going through them entirely.

3. It has been a trying time as a parent figuring out and balancing what each child needs and recognizing that oftentimes, it feels unfair, unbalanced, and overwhelming. We are doing our best and we'll never stop trying. We only get one shot at this, after all. I'm learning that Bea and I share alot of the same challenges and we're being patient with each other...each day more and more.

4. Raising a tween is tough and beautiful at the same time. Bea is her own person, made from a different mold, and has a huge heart. These are all great qualities but also fragile ones when you're growing up. I feel like some days I'm nursing a fragile precious egg, but also know that life is all about surviving the crashes, the scratches, the heart break. It is hard to step back and observe as she's walking into the flames, but I remind myself daily those little burns will make her into an even greater human being.

5. Raising this boy of mine is proving to give me more gray hairs than I ever expected to have at 35. He.does.not.stop.ever. Wakes up roaring at 6, goes down wiggling at 8, no naps, no resting in between. It is exhaustingly wonderful. My band aid bill is through the roof as he is also fearless.

6. Year round we are on the sidelines of a soccer field watching Pippa. I've said it before, but it will never get old. We were told she would never be able to play sports and now she's scoring double digits on the field. The game sparks a determination in her that is fierce and has her in the backyard every single day playing with that black and white ball. I will always be grateful for this little girl who lets no one tell her she can't do something.

7. As I mentioned back in January, I'm trying to be better about making time for myself this year. I'm reading more, ignoring chores (a little) bit more, exercising every day, eating better, getting more sleep, and investing time in myself. I'm feeling less guilty about demanding some me time, whether that be in the grocery aisles or the nail salon. I'm a much happier person.

8. Devin and I have had a consistent date every single month (sometimes two dates!) and my goodness, it is just fantastic. I adore this guy so very much and dating him again is so wonderful. We've kept up with changing it up to dinners, movies, picnics, concerts, etc. and it is exciting. I still get butterflies when I get ready for a date and I just love how the girls like to watch me do my hair, my makeup, and chat while their brother is jumping on the bed. It's important for our kids to know how much we adore each other. Let's be honest, they need a break from me as much as I do them.

9. Some portraits now, as I've really slacked on that committment one for each of the kids, and one of me, as I'm also learning to not be so damn hard on myself.

Pippa

 

Bea

Oliver (this was his favorite activity on vacation)

and moi with no makeup and straight hair (a rarity)

 

A Portrait a Week: 8 of 52

Pippa, for your 8th birthday, you did not want cake, you just wanted donuts in the morning. It was a great day, which ended in a snow storm, just like the day you were born. This has been a breakout year for you in so many ways and I just cannot wait to see what else you have planned. Thank you for bringing joy and sunshine to every single day. You exude love, my little freckled girl.

Oliver Hugo, you informed me the other day that now, since you are 4, you can do almost anything by yourself. At times, you are right, other times, you need some assistance. Someone, big or small, is always by your side to give you just what you need. I do hope you know how loved you are, little man, not just by me, but your sisters as well. We were so unsure of how 3 kids would work, but we just could not be happier how much your sisters love and adore you. You drive them crazy, but never crazy enough to drive them away and I know in my heart, they will always be by your side. 

Bea, what a week you've had! You stepped outside of your comfort zone and ran for class president. You left the house on Wednesday as an ordinary 4th grader and came home the Vice President of your class. Your campaign platform was to make school more fun by having more outside time and more opportunities for creativity. This year has not been your favorite, but I admire you trying to make the best of it. I'm so very happy to share my writing space with you and it warms my heart to see you hard at work on some masterpiece at the easel. Creativity is your life blood, my sweet, and I adore that about you. 

A Portrait a Week: 7 of 52

ugh, oliver hugo, you exhaust me. you push me to my absolute limit, but bring me to my knees in adoration. you are CONSTANTLY on the move, whether it be bike riding in the house or showing me your new soccer trick. you are blossoming into one smart, funny, and athletic little man. i no longer wallow in nostalgia for your baby days, because i'm just so excited to watch you grow.

 

bea, even though this has not been the easiest week for you, you never lost your silliness. the 3 words that you chose to describe yourself in your class president essay, positive, funny, and helpful are exactly correct. i know things are tough at school and i wish i could change things, but i have deep faith and belief in your character. hang in there, my comical cutie. (photo credit: my brother, a great photographer)

this one. no words, really. pippa, you have a birthday this week and each day is a true gift. that is a cliche saying, i know, but hours in doctors' offices, trips to the hospital, and ambulance rides make that saying real in this house. through you, pippa, i've learned what true strength and determination looks like.

photo credit goes to ollie on this one, i let him edit it, too. so there you go. bea told me this week my eyes were my best feature and she likes how i draw wings on my eyes because it makes them look like they're smiling. i have a tendency to be very critical and it is a daily project for me to be nicer to myself. anytime i have a negative thought, i plug it with a positive. thanks, bea, for giving me another one to use. i'm feeling comfortable in my skin, find like my path in life fits just right.

A Portrait a Week: 4 of 52

Pippa, this week was a hard portrait to get because you were on the move ALL week. Love your sense of style emerging...a little bohemian, a little hipster, all you.

Bea, this is one of my favorite images for two reasons: one, you don't wear glasses but love to anyways and two, you were working on a school project and your drive and maturity really shone these past few weeks. It was so funny hearing you write your report because like me, you read every sentence aloud as you type it. I do believe you are finding the magic I feel when words come together. Keep writing, my sweet girl.

Oh, Oliver Hugo, those dimples, that big boy haircut, and that smirk. No longer my baby, now a certified big boy who adores Star Wars, Legos, and skinny jeans.

Ava's turn for my portrait. Sitting in the rocking chair that has been in my family for a very long time enjoying a rare quiet moment in this house. My great grandmother rocked her babies in it, I rocked my babies in it, and I do believe my babies will rock their babies in it. I've forced myself to stop for 20 minutes everyday and read. Reading is, and always has been, my favorite past time. I turned 35 this week and as my kiddos are becoming less dependent, I declared a little more concern for myself this year of my life, even if it is just 20 minutes sitting in Gertrude's chair.

A Portrait a Week: 3 of 52

Pippa, you are pure joy, my love. 

Giddy up, cowboy.

Bea, I love capturing these moments where I remember, although you seem so much older, really, you still like to play. 

And keeping with my promise, my portrait, as done by little budding photographer, Pippa.

Happy weekend, my friends.

 

Portrait a Week: 2 of 52

Bea, any free moment, your nose is stuck in a book. As a fellow bookworm, I can remember the joy I found in the worn pages of my books as a child, offering me peeks into places I dreamed of going, people I dreamed to be, and things I wanted to understand more deeply. At night, after everyone is in bed, and I'm on the couch reading myself, my heart fills with joy seeing the dim light of your book light and the rustling of your pages. Books hold their own special magic.

Pippa, from a very young age, you wanted to help Daddy in the kitchen. He, of course, welcomed you into his domain, excited to have a partner. When you drew your future farm a few years ago, a restaurant was included so you and Daddy could always cook together. Sundays have always been my favorite day, but now even more so because it means seeing you and Daddy side by side making Sunday Dessert.

Oliver Hugo, you are seriously 3 going on 13. Yes, I know half of it is due in part to your older siblings, but the other half is just your nature. The irony is I was so looking forward to do the baby, toddler, preschool stage again and really enjoy them. But, my little man, you had other plans. As much as I'd love to slow things down just a little bit--you told me you thought you had a crush on someone the other day--I also find such pleasure in watching you grow, even if it is way too fast. The midwives and nurses nicknamed you Grease Lightning when you were born because you entered this world with a mere three pushes. The name still suites you.

***

As I explained last week, the kiddos wanted in on this weekly portrait project, but with me as the subject rather than them. I was reluctant but watching them think about the photo they want to take is remarkable and revealing. Each week, a child will get a turn and this week, photo credit goes to Ava. 

Ava is my fellow writer and I just LOVED the portrait she decided on. We are finally getting the library set up and one very small corner holds my chartreuse writing desk. Virginia Woolf said a woman needed a room of her own, but I'm happy with my little nook.

A Portrait a Week: 1 of 52

I'm setting a goal this year to take a portrait a week of my kiddos, much like I did at the old blog. This project was started at You Are My Wild and I just loved the idea. One of my personal goals this year is to really follow my love of photography and challenge myself a bit. First step is to read the camera manual, I suppose! I also want to include little blips, as a way to link our current life to the picture. These little beings are growing so very fast, it is almost painful, (almost!) and I want some way to capture our life as it is each week…or more so, where they are each week.

Oliver Hugo, this was the first year you actually liked being in the snow. Still not a fan of mittens, but that is okay. I've learned that things happen better if left unsaid. Just like you're learning your letters and numbers, I'm learning to ease up and just enjoy each and every moment with you, although you are 3 going on 13.

 Bea, you have so turned the corner into the tween years; it is exciting and frightening at the same time. I'm swimming in unchartered waters and oftentimes, feel like I'm drowning, but occassionally, you throw me a life raft. We're both learning a lot about each other, but the thing I'm learning the most is just what a wonderful girl you are. I'm so very proud of who you've become and am ecstatic for what lies ahead, however, could we please ease up on the "he's pretty good to look at" comments when talking about boys!

Pippa, this seems to be your breakout year. You meet challenges, both big and small, with such grace, humility, and ferocity. Over the past few months, we've watched you come out of your shell in so many ways. You live and breathe soccer right now and my sweet girl, we will never tire of seeing you hustle on that field, for no other reason than you beat the odds that were, and still are, stacked against you. It is not the multiple goals you make at every game, my love, that make me proud, it is the mere fact that you push through every single day to be the best you can be. 

****

So, as I was taking these photos throughout the week, Pippa asked me, "Well, if you take pictures of us, can we take pictures of you?" Valid question, but I was wary. I'm very happy being the photographer, not the subject. But, as I expect my kids to challenge themselves, I have to expect the same for myself. In the end, I agreed to a weekly photo as well. I'm still a little uneasy about it but I don't want to send them the wrong message about self love. So, photo credit of me goes to Pippa this week. 

 

A Portrait a Week, 38 of 52

Your smile, Oliver Hugo, turns any day into a great one. Thank you for always making me laugh, even when I shouldn't, and always reminding me to savor every moment...even when you're throwing a massive tantrum because your face paint is melting. You keep me on my toes, little man.

Pippa, we really thought this whole "I want to be a farmer" thing was a phase. Clearly, we were wrong. Your smile when you saw those pigs is one I will never forget. The only thing I want for you in life is happiness and contentment; if you find that amongst pigs, then so be it. 

Bea, what a big weekend this was for you. You conquered some huge fears and I could not be more proud. It is a hard spot to know when pushing you is too much, but I always have faith in you. No matter what accolades you receive in the future, the ones that truly matter are the ones that were the most difficult. I do believe you will remember going down that water slide and the roller coaster (!) all of your life...not for the fear, but for the thrill of victory. Keep climbing that mountain, Bea.

A Portrait a Week, 36 of 52

My soccer player, all geared up to play then downright refusing once we arrived on the field. We've since returned twice and still refuses to play but he likes to wear the gear everywhere. In time, in time.

Every day, things are getting easier. Each step is a step in the right direction. I'm just so happy to see her smile each and every day.

And this little spitfire. She loves soccer and gives it her all...and she does it in style, too. As you can see, everything matches, even the sequin bag. She is just too much.

A Portrait a Week: 32 of 52

Oliver Hugo, you and guns. I just don't get it, really and truly, but you are obsessed. I do know one thing, there will be no "bad guys" in the vicinity of  you, ever. I swore up and down that I would never buy you guns, but the thing is, I cannot deny you the one thing you play for hours, "good guys and bad guys". You are constantly keeping on my toes, little man, and I am forever grateful for that. 

Pippa, you are unstoppable in your determination. Within the first day of the surfboard purchase, you were up and on your way. One of my favorite things about this picture is your cheering crowd in the water.

Oh, my pensive girl. I can not even begin to imagine the depths of your thoughts, young lady. You are really coming into yourself and watching you with all the teenagers over vacation was a realization that you are growing up so very fast. As much as I want it to slow down, I am excited to see what the future holds for you.