Clearing the blogging spiderwebs in this little space of mine with an update, of sorts. Yesterday I kicked 35 out the door and welcomed 36 with open arms. My thirty fifth year was my hardest yet with tragedy, loss, and tough decisions but there was also beauty in the fact that all of this pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me realize life can change in the matter of a second. My year was defined by two seconds, one a heart attack, the other a tragic end both resulting in losing two people that defined unconditional love for me. One, who delivered it my way, the other, whom I loved unconditionally; both of these losses are something I will carry with me, with both sadness and joy. I was so very lucky to have these two people in my life and I'm no longer wasting my life on insecurities, heartache, or pain. As I was blowing out my candles last night, I promised myself to continue living as I have been for the past month or so, even when it can be really hard to do so.
As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. It is my therapy, my expression, my love. It has become my only way to communicate the complex feelings of these losses in my life. It has also allowed me to let go of some things that have always held me back, like severe insecurity. I've always questioned my abilities as a writer, but my brother's death destroyed those, as writing was and is the only way I know how to heal. In forcing myself to write, I've also forced myself to kick my doubts in the ass. I've submitted some pieces to various venues, resulting in some exciting opportunities varying from a publication with Monkey Star Press coming out in late Winter/early Spring and a spot in a speaking series, Listen to Your Mother. I've also started a new blog, Recyled or Redline Rags which allows me to show my other passion, styling, and has landed me a chance to become a fashion writer in a new magazine out of Boston for real women, no photoshop allowed. I can't even begin to tell you how thrilled I am for this opportunity. I'm not bragging here, by any means, but just trying to express how when you throw yourself out there, when you go for it, when you tell the evil things holding you back to f*** off, good things come, they really do.
So, yes, I'm ready to kick 35 out the door and welcome 36 with open arms. Good things are on the horizons, I'm in good company, and my heart is humble and grateful. My wonderful husband said to me last night, "Thanks so much for being born." I laughed and said, "that wasn't really up to me, its the surviving and thriving part that we should be grateful for." That being said, I couldn't survive or thrive, especially this past year, without the love that surrounds me, whether it be in the love of family, the smiles of my students, or the tissue passing of friends. Those in my life, thank you for your love, I'll never have the adequate words to express my gratitude.
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