Cocooon of Chaos

Mother's Day...

It's Tuesday night and I still feel like I'm stepping off of Cloud 9. What a wonderful weekend, really and truly. To start, my dad surprised me with playoff Celtics tickets for a Saturday night--win win: date night with the mister and Celtics! Woo hoo! From a very young age, I've been a Celtics fan and let me tell you, there is NOTHING like being in the Garden (the old or new) when everyone is up in their seats screaming...wonderfully electric! Thanks to my sweet husband who kept it all a secret and my cousin who stepped in and dared put all 3 kids to bed on a Saturday night. It was an amazing way to start the weekend. And then, there was Sunday...

Admittedly, I may have had one too many gin and tonics at the game on Saturday night, so my weary head slept until 9 a.m. Something that has not happened probably in eight years. Wow, it was nothing short of wonderful! Moved from the bed to the couch with my 3 littles all cuddled up and watched an entire, uninterrupted episode of Sunday Morning. Bliss again! And then, that husband of mine made me something wonderful. He compiled a little movie of the kids, from infancy to now, that utterly shook me to the core. I'm not sure I've ever cried so many tears of joy in my life...seriously. The soundtrack composed of two of my favorite songs: this one from Iron and Wine and this one from Bon Iver. Looking at all three of my children, in all their individual and collective glory, was just the best gift ever.  Devin, you finally surprised me, baby...and it was well worth the wait.

After all the crying, there was some more, I must be honest.  Devin included a picture of my Nana and I logged onto Facebook to find another one of my other Nana...

both women who are so dearly missed, especially on the days when I think of the amazing women that came before me and exemplified what motherhood is all about.  Both women had so many children, so little time, so little resources but never lacked love, dedication or selflessness.  They are my heroes and I wish more than anything in the world to make one more batch of tollhouse cookies with Christine or hit up one more church rummage sale with Velma.  Words fall short to express how much I miss them.  And, clearly, style runs in my veins...check out the boots on my Nana!  And then...

I had some time with own Mum and all that sadness vanished. We went to see the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and I beg of you to go see that movie. Fantastic, moving, funny...wonderful. As we were munching popcorn, I looked over at my mum and remembered that not too long ago, we were not sure how many Mother's Day we'd have together. One thing I've learned from my mother is with hard work, anything is possible, even beating cancer. I am a very lucky lady to have you as my mum and best friend, Mum.

So, yes, as life always is, this weekend was filled with joy, sadness, and endless amounts of love. Okay, must run and rinse the color out of my hair...the above picture inspired a new cut and color. (More on that later!) I hope all of you mums out there had a magical weekend, too!

Waiting for the Spring Moon by the fire

While loading all the pictures from this weekend, I realized just how busy we were. After sports, a little gardening, some more sports, and a quick dinner, Devin and I collapsed on the couch. And then, one little lady popped in and said, "how about a fire outside?" We looked at each other, exhausted, and shrugged our shoulders, "sure, why not?!" So, we made ourselves a cocktail, a new playlist, and headed out by the fire. I read about the huge moon that was supposed to make it's appearance, but the combination of a wet day and the ocean air, left the skies thick with fog. But, we still waited and watched the kids run around the yard well past their bedtimes...and actually had time to have an uninterrupted conversation. Pure bliss. Sometimes stepping out of our routine is just what we need...

15 years...

Photo credit: Esther Mathieu Photography

Yes, you read that right...15 years. I've been with this fabulous guy for 15 years. Yes, since I was 18. That tattooed man came into my life when I was least expecting it, when I had plans all set for college, when I was 100%  sure of my future. Turned out, I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going, or who I was.  I was doing what I thought I should be doing and what I thought others wanted me to do. And then, in a week, I fell head over heels in love with this guy...yes, you read that right, a week. He has always shown me the meaning of unconditional love. It is because he pushes me when I hesitate, reassures me when I doubt myself, catches me when I fail, and hugs me when I succeed, that I am who I am today.  I am me, doing what I want to do, putting myself out there in a way I never thought I'd have the confidence to do. I know, no matter what, I'm still special in his eyes.  Devin, we may not be able to afford rubies and diamonds, but honey, you gave me the best gift of all...you helped me chisel away so much and be who I am today.  There is not a better gift.  

 

little and BIG superheroes...

It is a happy talent to know how to play." ~Emerson

After a lovely night out Saturday, the children returned tired, happy, and excited to us Sunday morning. A little break is always a very good thing for everyone. After filling our bellies with amazing french toast bread pudding, bagels, strawberries, and coffee, Ava sat busily drawing an invitation to her baby's birthday party. A superhero party, nonetheless. So, while the little man napped, we all grabbed what we could to make costumes for the superhero birthday party...

"The Snorkler"...yes, I got the okay to post this picture!

"Cat Tickler"

"Pig Pickler"

"Persephone, Defender of Spring"

the birthday girl "Mitey Marrige Lady"

even Chloe was excited for the celebration!

As we sat there sipping our pretend tea and cupcakes, I realized how much we don't do this anymore..this whole playing silly thing. It is not because we don't want to, but rather, the girls are getting older and searching for themselves together and separately.  They really don't want to play with us anymore, so when the invitation was handed to us, how could we refuse the chance to be creatively silly on a Sunday afternoon?!  As much as I miss the days of tea parties and dress up, I am thoroughly enjoying watching these little ladies explore their own interests and truly discover what they are made of; some days it is a whole of sugar, other days copious amounts of spice, but one trait that never fades is their curiosity.  It is contagious.  As they ask questions, I find myself asking more questions and more and more, I learn life is not about finding the answers, but rather the process of discovery.  So, yes, the dresses have been retired, but their imaginations now take them beyond the land of fairy tales, to a world where they are chimpanzee scientists, pig doctors, and teachers travelling the world. Besides, I still get a few more years of pretend play, as Oliver now spends a majority of his day hiding from the evil monkey in the kitchen or the pirates coming ashore at the beach!

So, if the chance arrives, stop what you're doing and just play. 

I love Thursdays

Thursdays have become my new favorite day because....

they start out with a date with my 2 favorite gentlemen at a new favorite place, A & J King Bakery

then follow with much "working" as Oliver calls it...

late nap for the little man equals some time with my girls. this week we made leprechaun traps...

...and end with a little treat for myself.  

This Thursday had a wonderful beginning, but terrible end. Our sweet, sweet Chloe is very sick and we are praying for a quick recovery.  The vets are optimistic, but to be honest, everything in my body is preparing to say good-bye to the best birthday present I ever received. Words can not express the heaviness in my heart right now, but I will not lose hope entirely.  This old girl will go on her own terms, that I know.  For now, we just cover her with blankets, shower her with kisses, and say a prayer on the evening stars. As Ava reminded me last night, "Even though I'm super sad, Mummy, I know she will see Luca again and that makes me happy."  Yes, she is really as wonderful as she sounds....

Presently...

in the trenches of potty training...much earlier, easier, and painless than we expected. this little man is one determined being

collaborating with my dear husband at our new space together in the blogosphere: Our Busy Kitchen

drowning in research for a final project that is leaving me utterly inspired to what people can do when they come together

being humbled weekly with my tutoring gig...the kids are awesome, eager, and make me smile every hour I spend with them

getting excited about a little thing I have up my sleeve...possible writing group with some "at risk" girls with an awesome organization, Girls, Inc. 

reveling in the fact that I have finally found my path...maybe not finally, as every step leads to another, but I feel like I'm walking in the direction I always wanted to

reading and re-reading two poems Ava wrote this week: one for a very loved, resilient little boy meeting some medical obstacles and the other, about coyotes

letting go of the kitchen mess when Lillian asks me, "Mummy, can we do a puzzle...again?" I mean, really, how much longer is she going to want to be around me. the dishes can wait

enjoying the small hints of Spring all around: a crocus in the front yard, poppies peeking out, the little snow we had is melted, and the birds serenade us at the breakfast table

sitting on the floor of CVS with Oliver looking at different lipsticks and boldly agreeing to his "Blossom" color pick...brighter than I would usually wear, but the bounce of color is a great reminder to be fun and careless sometimes

awaiting some big hugs from two little girls I taught years ago who are celebrating their birthday this weekend. a million times over, the children that have spent time in my classroom, leave a permament mark on my heart. it truly is the best job ever

may your weekend be full careless fun...

Another celebration...of brotherly kind

There's no other love like the love for a brother.
There's no other love like the love from a brother.
-Astrid Alauda

I think it goes without saying that February is a very busy month for us...in a beautifully celebratory way, of course. So many joyous moments of candle blowing that get me all teary for the celebration of so many wonderful memories. This time around, it was my little brother's turn. Well, maybe not so little anymore, but he will always be my little brother, even when he's a grown man. We had the pleasure of his company the entire weekend and it was such a great weekend...really. Yes, we had five children in our itsy bitsy house but after everyone went to bed, my brother, Devin and I sat on the couch without any distraction and just talked.  We laughed and I may have secretly shed a tear or two because I am so incredibly proud of what a creative, compassionate, and intelligent young man he has grown into. I remember when my dad told me I was going to have a little brother and being 19, I really wondered what relationship would be with such a huge age gap. But, I've come to find out that my adoration for this young man has nothing to do with the years that separate us, but rather about the love between us. 

Andrew, I love you so very much. I do hope your birthday was a tad bit as wonderful for you as it was for me. I cannot wait for what the future holds for you. Nothing is impossible and the possibilities are endless...

Thirty three

Thirty three was always my number playing sports as a kid. Three was my favorite number, so I figured having two of them on my back would double my luck. I'm hoping for the same effect on this 33rd year of my life. It was a lovely, quiet, and simple birthday comprised of doing a whole lot of nothing. The mister made me two types of brownies this year: one with cayenne, coffee, dark chocolate, and chocolate chips...yes, they were as good as they sound. (Especially with the added bonus of Haagen Daz Java Chip placed lovingly on top!) The other a basic brownie, simply delicious. The girls filled my days with random hugs and "happy birthday, Mummy!" all day long. Oh, and my birthday wish came true...

the betty hat from The Krochet Kids, a company that is out to do some good. On the inside of my hat, is the artisan's name and it warms my heart to support a fellow woman...no matter how many miles separate us.

At one point in the day, the girls were lying next to me on the couch reading when Ava asked, "Mummy, what did you want to be when you were 7?" I'm getting a lot of these questions lately and without any hesitation I said, "Well, I wanted to be a teacher, a mummy, and a writer." My sweet girl replied, "Well then, Mummy, all your dreams came true!" And, you know what? They certainly did and that, my friends, was the best gift ever.

Twenty-oh-12...

Took a little blogging break to celebrate the last week of 2011 and 2012 is beginning with a little rocky start. Not in a momentously bad way or anything, just some challenges that are leaving Devin and I with little steam at the end of the evening. The holidays were simply lovely. We tried very, very hard to keep the holidays simple this year and it is was lovely....really. The last week of 2011 was spent entirely as a family, Devin taking the week off and just enjoying each others company. We had no schedules, no real plans, our main goal was to just relax.  Our version of relaxing morphed into cleaning out the basement--who knew we had so much room!--and the garage, which not only houses the car, but a half pipe as well! Oh, and we squeezed a trip to the New England Aquarium, too.  Simply lovely.

Handmade holidays: all the American Girl outfits came from Etsy, it felt so good supporting someone making something out of their house...the notes that came inside the packages melted my heart. Oh, and the classrooms were inspired by an ad in some catalog for a $30 classroom. Well, I made two for $6; poster board and Dollar Store teaching supplies....voila!

our nightly routine now consists of shaving for the little man...my, how he has transformed in the past couple of months. He tuckers us out more than we could have EVER imagined, but he melts my heart a million times a day...

I must admit, the holidays were secretly solemn for me. Christmas just wasn't the same without my nana. She would smack me if I let it mar the day, so I ploughed through and enjoyed the magic as much as possible.  The funny thing about grief is, it sneaks up on you. I was in a gray funk of a fog last week and just could not get myself out of it. I was angry at myself, but then realized, aha! this is what grief does...how quickly one forgets. Like the fog I was living in, it slowly moves in, but once you walk through it, it begins to dissipate.  In trodding through this grief, I had the chance to think about the year that lie ahead and the one that I left behind.  I'm not really one for resolutions, but I do sincerely hope some things for 2012: I stop being so hard on myself; I let things go, especially things I cannot control;  I let myself have time to myself, even if that means the dust bunnies take over; I find time for my husband, aside from mundane tasks together; I write more in my journal; I actually use our gym membership; I carve more time out for one-on-one with Ava; I continue on my no coffee days...hard as hell at first, but worth not having migraines; and I find beauty in the chaos of my everyday. 

And that's another thing about grief: it forces us to look deep inside our lives and hearts and illustrates what is really and truly important. I know I can overcome my obsessiveness for some sanity, because amongst many things, I think I learned that no matter what I do or don't do, life is going to carry on. The dust bunnies are still going to be there, Oliver is still going to refuse to sleep through the night EVER, Ava is still going to test me daily, the laundry is still going to multiply, Lillian is still going to insist that a pig is a perfectly fine birthday present...everyday, and the bills are still going to come in.  In the end, none of this crap matters.  What matters at the end of the day is I know I did my best, no matter what life tossed at me.  And for that, I know I'd get a wink and a thumbs up from my nana.

Do tell: what are some of your hopes for this new year?

Flame to Flame

What a long week it has been...in both a good and bad way. My nana has been remembered, celebrated, and laid to rest. I know she is happy, enjoying an amaretto on the rocks with my grandfather, and proudly looking down on their legacy of seven sons, 14 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren.  I mustered up the courage to speak at the funeral and have been asked to repost here, so here goes:

  "I have to start this by saying thank you to everyone for coming and sharing in this day with my family and I to honor such a wonderful woman. It goes without saying, that Nana was a very special person. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet to have had such an amazing woman as a grandmother. Although 3,000 miles separated us most of the time, our love had no bounds. At least twice a month, a letter arrived in my mailbox. Whether I was 7 or 17, I could not wait to open those letters. They were filled with funny family anecdotes, gossip, and an occasional life lesson. There was always a Post Script that read, 'Don't forget, you're always #1'. Those letters got me through the pains of adolescence more than she would ever know.

Every minute spent with my Nana, was filled with laughter and love. My earliest memory of her is when I was four sitting at the formica table on Patti Lane. She handed me a cup of milky tea, an old pair of eyeglasses with the lenses popped out, and an unlit cigarette. She said 'Go ahead, Honey, I know you're dying to...an old soul lives in that little body of yours' and we sat there for hours, me with my unlit cigarette, glasses, and milky tea chatting with my Nana. It became a little ritual between us and the last time I saw her was over a cup of tea, minus the cigarettes, but with the bonus of my three children surrounding her.

Nana certainly lived life the way she wanted to and in the end, passed as she wanted to. Two days after her eightieth birthday, I stopped over for a cup of tea just by myself without my children. It was a spur of the moment idea and as it turned out, it was one of the best times I had with her. She told me that turning eighty really made her think about her own mortality and her life. She told me, 'I'm not afraid to die, honey. I've lived on this earth for eighty years and I've had a good life. There are times that were hard, of course, but they were worth it because now I'm here, as I should be, having a cup of tea with you.' That conversation has pushed me through the last week, where at times the sadness of her passing is unbearable, yet knowing she died on her own terms peacefully is a great source of solace.

Besides the life lessons over cups of tea, Nana left me with another gift I treasure. My father and my six uncles, who each in their own way have showed me the definition of unconditional love, just as my Nana did. These seven men are of such a fine caliber and I would not be half the person I am without knowing their love was always there, no matter what...Just as it was with my Nana. Nana is a proud woman, looking down at these men and their families. To my 11 cousins, my brother, and my sister, and my own three children, I humbly ask that you keep Nana's memory alive by staying true to yourselves, never forgetting where you came from, and living life as you want to—nothing else would make her more proud.

My last memory of my Nana is sitting at her dining room table two weeks ago with my children. I had my tea and my children had their ice cream and cookies. My toddler son climbed up in her lap and gently rested his head on her chest. She laughed as only she could laugh and said, 'Hon, now I can die a happy woman'. And she did. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that."

It was a difficult weekend, but with the love of my family, it made all of this a bit easier. Not to mention, how incredibly proud I am of Ava, getting up there in front of so many people and reading her poem AND her favorite memory of Nana.  I have never, ever been more proud of that little girl in my life. Words fall short...

As much as I miss her, I know my Nana would not want me to wallow in sorrow, but push forth. It is Christmas, after all, in a few days.  Although those would be the last birthday candles she would blow out, she left a fire in all of us to carry on.  Always the obedient granddaughter, I will do just that.