Last night's sunset was breathtaking, this grainy picture from my phone does it absolutely no justice. I stepped outside in the quiet of the afternoon, the neighborhood kids reveling in the unseasonably warm weather in the distance, echoes of little boy's voices carried on the wings of the wind. For a second, time froze, and the pink seemed to fill the entire sky in an instant. I let the pink seep in, and with it came a memory...
A few summers ago, in the Outer Banks, after taking so many photos, I looked up from the sand to see my brother standing at the top of the stairs against the backdrop of a descending sun. My camera battery was nearly dead, but I desperately wanted to capture him against that sky, bathed in the rosy hue of the sunset, by himself, in the moment. Although that moment was two summers ago, yesterday standing in my driveway, I closed my eyes and savored this photo, this second of time in a different locale and a different place, but the memory brought him back.
Thanksgiving is a day away and my heart is heavy. I miss this boy so much but more than anything, I'm so grateful I had him for 16 years. Yes, it was too short, but dammit, I'm so grateful for what he gave me. His love, his life, his entire being is pushing me through this right now. It is my rosy light in the winter sky.
Tears just would not stop yesterday. Oliver asked if I was hurt and I told him kind of, my heart was just hurting a bit because I missed Andrew so much. He cocked his head and said, "Like it has a crack or something?" I smiled and said yes, exactly like a crack. His tiny arms wrapped around my neck, his embrace the glue putting it back together.
Bea asked the other day if our family will ever be the same again. I had to be honest and tell her no, no it won't. Like my old monkey mug, there will always be a little crack in us, but that sliver of brokenness is what binds us together.
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen