Cocooon of Chaos

Boy, oh, boy...

 

As this little boy of mine has left infancy and is a full fledged roaring toddler, our lives have been turned upside down. Yes, even though I've worked with small children all my life, I had some naive notion that my little boy would be a bit more mellow. How very silly of me! Well, I was so, so, so wrong about that. Oliver keeps us on our toes ALL day long and just when I think he can not find one more daring thing to do, he finds one more activity to give me a mild heart attack. Finding ways to entertain him have made me ridiculously quick on my feet with anything to keep him from jumping off the couch, climbing on the kitchen table, or leaping from the stairs.  As much as he stirs my nerves, he also reduces me to a jell-O like being with his cuteness, charm, and devilish smirk. 

These have been my survival tools as of late:

shaving cream, off-the-cuff cabinet easel, spray bottles filled with water, skateboard magazines (I'm serious, this boy LOVES them!), rain boots (thank, Mum!), and bubble water. In so many ways, having this little man has forced me to alter my own thinking. I don't really care that there are spots of shaving cream on the window until bedtime, I don't think he's worn a matching pair of socks since he was 3 months, and when the craziness ceases and he collapses in my lap to read books, I could not be a happier mama.  My nana told me, "you're going to love him differently...not more, not less, just different." And, as always, she was right.

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~Mark Twain

Oh, and I am certainly enjoying each and every moment of this beautifully chaotic life. Happy Monday everyone. May your week be filled with a bit of sunshine and lots of laughter. Warm brownies and a birthday candle await me....

Snow...finally

It has been such a slow start to Winter this year and, as much as it surprises me, I missed it's arrival. Winter is a time for quiet, peace, reflection, reading, blankets, warm beverages, and hibernation. Like the ground covered in snow, I always feel a blanket of warmth over my own heart. It feels heavier, I suppose but having the quiet nights with sparkling snow and my knitting needles allows me to enjoy, think, and savor this quiet season. The snow came and went, but we enjoyed it nonetheless.

Twenty-oh-12...

Took a little blogging break to celebrate the last week of 2011 and 2012 is beginning with a little rocky start. Not in a momentously bad way or anything, just some challenges that are leaving Devin and I with little steam at the end of the evening. The holidays were simply lovely. We tried very, very hard to keep the holidays simple this year and it is was lovely....really. The last week of 2011 was spent entirely as a family, Devin taking the week off and just enjoying each others company. We had no schedules, no real plans, our main goal was to just relax.  Our version of relaxing morphed into cleaning out the basement--who knew we had so much room!--and the garage, which not only houses the car, but a half pipe as well! Oh, and we squeezed a trip to the New England Aquarium, too.  Simply lovely.

Handmade holidays: all the American Girl outfits came from Etsy, it felt so good supporting someone making something out of their house...the notes that came inside the packages melted my heart. Oh, and the classrooms were inspired by an ad in some catalog for a $30 classroom. Well, I made two for $6; poster board and Dollar Store teaching supplies....voila!

our nightly routine now consists of shaving for the little man...my, how he has transformed in the past couple of months. He tuckers us out more than we could have EVER imagined, but he melts my heart a million times a day...

I must admit, the holidays were secretly solemn for me. Christmas just wasn't the same without my nana. She would smack me if I let it mar the day, so I ploughed through and enjoyed the magic as much as possible.  The funny thing about grief is, it sneaks up on you. I was in a gray funk of a fog last week and just could not get myself out of it. I was angry at myself, but then realized, aha! this is what grief does...how quickly one forgets. Like the fog I was living in, it slowly moves in, but once you walk through it, it begins to dissipate.  In trodding through this grief, I had the chance to think about the year that lie ahead and the one that I left behind.  I'm not really one for resolutions, but I do sincerely hope some things for 2012: I stop being so hard on myself; I let things go, especially things I cannot control;  I let myself have time to myself, even if that means the dust bunnies take over; I find time for my husband, aside from mundane tasks together; I write more in my journal; I actually use our gym membership; I carve more time out for one-on-one with Ava; I continue on my no coffee days...hard as hell at first, but worth not having migraines; and I find beauty in the chaos of my everyday. 

And that's another thing about grief: it forces us to look deep inside our lives and hearts and illustrates what is really and truly important. I know I can overcome my obsessiveness for some sanity, because amongst many things, I think I learned that no matter what I do or don't do, life is going to carry on. The dust bunnies are still going to be there, Oliver is still going to refuse to sleep through the night EVER, Ava is still going to test me daily, the laundry is still going to multiply, Lillian is still going to insist that a pig is a perfectly fine birthday present...everyday, and the bills are still going to come in.  In the end, none of this crap matters.  What matters at the end of the day is I know I did my best, no matter what life tossed at me.  And for that, I know I'd get a wink and a thumbs up from my nana.

Do tell: what are some of your hopes for this new year?

Merry Making...Sibling Gifts

As inspired by Gabrielle over at Design Mom, I decided to have the kiddos make each other things, rather than buying something. So, today the house was abuzz with gathering, painting, glueing, and making Mummy cry with their sweetness.

Bea made a special bed for Pippa's pet pig, Daisy, out of an old planter she found in the garage

Pippa gathered pictures from my old Vogue magazines and made an awesome collage of things Bea likes...I just love the flower background! (Huge nod to my sister, Andrea, for inspiring her!)

Ollie made ornaments for the girls out of playdough...took a few days longer then I expected to dry, but fun nonetheless!

Using a blank book from our local art supply store, Pippa cut out images from magazines and labeled them "so it will help Ollie learn to talk more"....love it!

Practical Bea decided that our little destructive tot might rip a book, so we found a blank board book and she used pictures from photo albums and wrote him a sweet, sweet book.

I had to include the last page because it touched me so deeply.  In all the chaos of having three monsters in this little house, the clutter that overtakes our lives, and the deafening noise level, every bit of it is worth it when I see how much they all love each other. It is a bond a thousand times better than I ever imagined it would be.  Having them do this for each other today, really got us in the holiday spirit today.  These gifts aren't fancy or expensive, but they are priceless.

I truly hope you have a wonderful holiday season and the days are filled with solace, merriment, and magic. All my best....

Flame to Flame

What a long week it has been...in both a good and bad way. My nana has been remembered, celebrated, and laid to rest. I know she is happy, enjoying an amaretto on the rocks with my grandfather, and proudly looking down on their legacy of seven sons, 14 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren.  I mustered up the courage to speak at the funeral and have been asked to repost here, so here goes:

  "I have to start this by saying thank you to everyone for coming and sharing in this day with my family and I to honor such a wonderful woman. It goes without saying, that Nana was a very special person. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet to have had such an amazing woman as a grandmother. Although 3,000 miles separated us most of the time, our love had no bounds. At least twice a month, a letter arrived in my mailbox. Whether I was 7 or 17, I could not wait to open those letters. They were filled with funny family anecdotes, gossip, and an occasional life lesson. There was always a Post Script that read, 'Don't forget, you're always #1'. Those letters got me through the pains of adolescence more than she would ever know.

Every minute spent with my Nana, was filled with laughter and love. My earliest memory of her is when I was four sitting at the formica table on Patti Lane. She handed me a cup of milky tea, an old pair of eyeglasses with the lenses popped out, and an unlit cigarette. She said 'Go ahead, Honey, I know you're dying to...an old soul lives in that little body of yours' and we sat there for hours, me with my unlit cigarette, glasses, and milky tea chatting with my Nana. It became a little ritual between us and the last time I saw her was over a cup of tea, minus the cigarettes, but with the bonus of my three children surrounding her.

Nana certainly lived life the way she wanted to and in the end, passed as she wanted to. Two days after her eightieth birthday, I stopped over for a cup of tea just by myself without my children. It was a spur of the moment idea and as it turned out, it was one of the best times I had with her. She told me that turning eighty really made her think about her own mortality and her life. She told me, 'I'm not afraid to die, honey. I've lived on this earth for eighty years and I've had a good life. There are times that were hard, of course, but they were worth it because now I'm here, as I should be, having a cup of tea with you.' That conversation has pushed me through the last week, where at times the sadness of her passing is unbearable, yet knowing she died on her own terms peacefully is a great source of solace.

Besides the life lessons over cups of tea, Nana left me with another gift I treasure. My father and my six uncles, who each in their own way have showed me the definition of unconditional love, just as my Nana did. These seven men are of such a fine caliber and I would not be half the person I am without knowing their love was always there, no matter what...Just as it was with my Nana. Nana is a proud woman, looking down at these men and their families. To my 11 cousins, my brother, and my sister, and my own three children, I humbly ask that you keep Nana's memory alive by staying true to yourselves, never forgetting where you came from, and living life as you want to—nothing else would make her more proud.

My last memory of my Nana is sitting at her dining room table two weeks ago with my children. I had my tea and my children had their ice cream and cookies. My toddler son climbed up in her lap and gently rested his head on her chest. She laughed as only she could laugh and said, 'Hon, now I can die a happy woman'. And she did. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that."

It was a difficult weekend, but with the love of my family, it made all of this a bit easier. Not to mention, how incredibly proud I am of Ava, getting up there in front of so many people and reading her poem AND her favorite memory of Nana.  I have never, ever been more proud of that little girl in my life. Words fall short...

As much as I miss her, I know my Nana would not want me to wallow in sorrow, but push forth. It is Christmas, after all, in a few days.  Although those would be the last birthday candles she would blow out, she left a fire in all of us to carry on.  Always the obedient granddaughter, I will do just that. 

 

 

 

In Preparation...

  Oh, my sweet, courageous seven year old. She wrote this poem to read at my Nana's funeral on Saturday. As one of my dear friends said, "having kids makes death so much more raw but comforting at the same time." We are all grieving and like her mama, this little lady turns to her pencil....

Nana was caring

Awesome because she was thoughtful

Never mean

And always nice

 

Right now she is happy

Enjoying her husband making

New memories up in heaven

Never forgetting memories we shared

I loved her for

Everything she was .

 

By: Ava Grant, 7 years old

 

Remembering...

My world is a little less bright these days. On Friday night, my beloved Nana passed away. She went peacefully and on her own terms, which is exactly how it was meant to happen.  Although I find great solace in her peaceful passing, it is impossible for me to feel anything but empty right now.  Words fail me, utterly and completely. I was gathering some pictures and I think at this moment, it is the best way to remember her.

It breaks my heart in a thousand pieces that my sweet boy whom she is holding in the above picture, will have no memory of this superb woman.  The girls, on the other hand, have a million.  My goodness, it was the hardest moment of my life, telling my two girls that Nana died. They both fell into my arms sobbing and my heart has never felt so shattered. Grieving is a thousand times harder when watching your children and loved ones grieve. I just want to take away all this sadness, rewind time, find something to fix the helplessness and sorrow that fills my heart as a mother, daughter, niece, and cousin.  But there is nothing.  Watching my father and uncles go through this with such grace, resolve, and pure love is a true testament of how incredible my Nana was; raising seven boys of such caliber is no easy feat.   

Lillian is taking this loss especially hard. Tonight she sat down in my lap and tearfully said, "I didn't want her to die, Mummy." We had a good cry together and my sweet, sweet Ava came over, hugged us and said, "but she's happy up in heaven, Lillian, I just know it." That wise seven year old is right...she is happy. The last time I went over for our weekly visit, Oliver climbed up in her lap and rested his head on her chest. She laughed and said, "Well, hon, now I can die a happy woman." And she did.  If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that.

 

Sisterly Pride

Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.  ~Louise Glück

Oh, how proud I was being the watcher of that beautiful dancer. This photo is perfect in its imperfections. In all the chaos of life, a simple smile from her stops me in my tracks.  As a little girl, I wanted a sister so badly. I had to wait 22 years, but it was well worth the wait. I was waiting for her. 

Fingerprint Gift Tags

So, my new addiction is Pinterest, an online pin board, really. I just love, love, love getting inspired by other people's creativity! Even the girls created their own boards, filled with horses, pigs, and Selena Gomez (sigh). That being said, I saw two great ideas for wrapping paper and gift wrap using stamp pads and wee little fingers. Our smart and creative Advent elf left us a bag of creative goodness to get us started on our fingerprint gift tags:

 How great did these turn out?! Do you know what the best part was...it was thirty minutes of no squabbling, just giggles and compliments for each other's creativity.

P.S. We are knee deep in the Clarice Bean Collection of Chapter Books, so my scribbling may be peppered with a wee bit English from across the pond now and then (like squabbing above!)...oh, how I LOVE how much these little girls of mine love these books! Each night, our day ends in giggles reading on the floor...just as it should. Tell me, what are you reading with your kiddos?

Magic of December

Judging by our abnormally warm December, you'd never know Christmas is on its way! I mean seriously, we've been out jacketless for the past week and I must admit, it is rather odd. Although, Mother Nature may be misleading, there is no denying in the Grant abode that the holidays have arrived. On the first, we put up our beautiful advent calendar from Devin's childhood, and I must say it is a tradition I just treasure. Such a great way to enter into this magical season.

Each day, the elf comes and leaves us a little something, nothing big, just a sweet or an idea like donating some toys, to remind us that the holidays are just as much about giving as they are receiving. (Although, I can not really complain here...today we had a conference with Ava's teacher and in one of her journal entries, she wrote "I wish for happiness for my family".) I mean, seriously...how fantastic is that.

In addition to our traditional advent calendar, we are also doing a slightly different one. The idea of this one is to place coins in a jar each night for things we have--and take for granted--such as coats, going to school, three meals a day, etc. At the end of the twenty four days, we pick a charity to donate the money to...this will definetly be a tradition each year.  With each night, the girls are really learning just how fortunate they are to have things that we so easily take for granted.  An entirely different kind of magic usually associated with this time of year, but nonetheless, just as meaningful.

As I watched all three of my children decorating the tree, I was floored at just how incredible my life really is. All my dreams really have come true. Yes, they may not be exactly as I imagined them to be, but in a way, they are better than I could have ever imagined.  May your days be filled with cheer, my friends...

Do tell, what are some of your favorite traditions?